So I've been thinking about something and maybe it'll need to be a proper article to get all my thoughts out properly.
Basically I was creating art ravenously while I lived with my really toxic and abusive ex. Looking back on the things I made during that time it almost feels like a desperate cry for help. Every ounce of my pain was being channeled directly into the art as a way to cope. I was feeling very used and unlovable.
And now that I am well past that time I've been struggling to create nearly as much. And I worry that I trained myself to create art from pain and I am having to go through the difficult journey of learning how to fuel my art through joy and love instead of suffering and trauma.
And it sucks because I don't make nearly as many cool things as I used to. But it's also probably way healthier for me as a person to not stew in that pain forever.
I don't even know if I want comfort or advice in this situation. I know what I need and I know what I don't need. I just don't enjoy how long the journey is.
And the reason I feel like this is worth writing in longer form about is that there is a broad misconception of "The Suffering Artist" in pop culture. This assumption that artists must be in pain or suffering in order to create beautiful things. And that is categorically false. And I want my story to further break down that assumption for people. But I don't know what stage of the journey makes sense to write about since I am very much still in the thick of it.