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but this problem is, as all technical problems are, ultimately about *DNS*. While it is *annoying* that the Unifi UI thinks that an ethernet hardware address "has a hostname", the fundamental issue is really just about being able to create DNS records. so, uh, can I create DNS records?
Turns out: yes!
A lot of my Unifi network knowledge is out of date because I _exhaustively_ learned about its featureset in 2020, when I first got all this stuff, but they've been quietly upgrading all the time.