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dear usps tracking,
this package was last seen in Denver, on Wednesday. there have been no updates since then.
let’s just admit that, at this point, it is not showing up “before 9pm tonight”. you can just go ahead and update the estimate to “in transit”, like you always do, eventually.
I know that this breaks your delivery SLA, but I also know that you don’t give a shit and you know there’s nothing I can possibly do about it.
just let me move on.
sincerely,
-glyph